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Tue, Jun. 28th, 2005, 12:29 am

We've been storing our music collection in MP3 form, 1200 albums at our grasp and very few we still give the listen on any given occasion, but I was importing The Secret Stars into my iPod and I got to listening to it, and I got to thinking about us.  I remember having this album for nearly two years while I hid from myself in the great white north, I got to thinking about when we first met.  I've never written about our meeting and now warrants a better time than any.

I moved back to Wisconsin for lack of anything better to do.  I was living in my one room introspection, getting the itch for new surroundings, when a friend from my High School days came back in contact with me.  We had a long time back discussed making a screenplay and ultimately a film together.  Initially I was weary, I knew what a slacker he was and that there was the possibility of nothing ever getting done, but my want to hit the road once again overtook me.  July 1st I caught a Greyhound bus out of International Falls, MN and made way for my Uncle's house in Iola, WI where I had grown up.  A new begining just what I needed, or at least thought I needed.

It should have been a sign when I couldn't get ahold of Adam, my new roommate, for about three days.  The cell phone number he gave me belonged to his on again off again girlfriend for which he had a son and she hadn't heard from him in a week.  Meanwhile I am stuck drinking Busch Light with my cousin each evening and shooting guns, not usually my fare but it cuts the boredom when stranded in a town of 1200.

Finally, after calling every friend that would still return my calls, I found Adam at a mutual acquantances house,  Apparently he had been sleeping on his floor for a few days and forgot I was coming into town,  Tim came and picked me up and I said good-bye to the one-horse town of Iola for the half-horse town of Scandinavia population 625.  We hung out for a few days, playing video games, drinking shitty beer and surfing the net, much like we did in High School.

While I was hitting music sites Adam told me of this site called Spark.  Spark was a site where you supposedly meet interesting people, make friends, and the such, I thought it intriguing and looked into it.  I would later find out it was a meat market for malcontents.  Through my search I would find Blackdreams, she listened to the same music as I did, dug the same films, and as a plus she was femaile.

I should point out here that I wasn't looking for a girlfriend, mind you at this point I hadn't had a legit girlfirend (non-sex related) in about six months.  Immediately I was smitten by this girl though, it isn't often that I find people that dig my tastes, so I left her an e-mail.  At this moment I wonder what Jack Kerouac would think about correspondance through electronics.  Back to the point; Blckdreams never wrote back and I had, for the most part forgotten about her.

Back at the ranch; Adam and I made no progress on our film, he lacked the motivation and took my easily distracted self with him. He was back wiith his girlfriend for whom he had a child with and we were all looking for a place to live, but again his lack of motivation left us where we were.  And where were we living but a trailer park with an immigrant woman from Thailand who was a great cook but a fucking nutcase aside from that.

Needless to say she and I didn't get along well and it wasn't long before I needed to find a new home.  I was about to pack it all in when Adam told me that he had a guy he went to school with in Appleton that would take me in.  What he failed to mention was that this "guy" had been discharged from the Army for a chemical imbalance.  I moved in and I regreted it from every day on.

I owned nothing, sleeping on a sofa-sleeper that had a bar that met the small of my back causing me to dread sleeping each night.  We didn't have a phone, we didn't have much furniture, all there was was cable and computers.  The computers usually off limits to me so Paul, my roommate, could play Everquest for about nine hours each day.  I was miserable, I longed for my leacking cabin roof, being without electricity and rolling cheap Indian tobacco.

Then I got a reply from Blackdreams, two months had passed, but it couldn't have come any sooner.  We exchanged messages, I spoke of my disgust for Appleton she her hated heartbreak with her ex-boyfriend.  After a week or so of back and fourth she decided I was harmless, and I you could see me you would wonder what took her so long.  We commited to meeting on Halloween.

October 31st came as slow as it could, but it came.  I was handing out bags of frozen peas and packets of old jello to the kids when she came buzzing at my door.  In a panic I threw on the cleanest shirt I could find on the floor and met her in the front, we went ot her place.  Now I know what you may think happened but it didn't, a Rebecca says she didn't want it to happen.  Regardless we became friends quickly, sipping coffee until three in the morning.  She brought me home about the time neither of us could keep our eyes open...I could only muster a hug, though I know now I could have gone in for the kiss,  Nevertheless, we made plans to hang out soon.  And we did, later that week and later, and the following week, until we were meeting every couple days.

Around this time my ex-girlfriends came out of the wood-work, one shwoing up to my work out of the blue and the other with an e-mail.  I kept seeing Blackdreams (Rebecca) but I became pre-occupied with the flame of former lovers.  By this time I could tell that Rebecca wanted something more, but my heart layed with the familiar not the new.  Rebecca wanted me to be with her but I couldn't without pondering what once was,

It all at one point came to a fever-pitch.  Rebecca and I went to Milwaukee for a concert and one of the ex's was going to meet me there.  I, and in retrospect it was an asshole move, ditched Rebecca for this girl the entire evenng. Well until the girl ditched me for another guy, my heart was shredded.  On the ride back to Appleton I lamented and questioned whty Rebecca was being so silent...I'm an idiot.  No more than a week later I up and went back to Canada. 

Originally I was going to Minneapolis to see friends and spend Christmas with my family, but once I made it to the cities I decided that I had worn out my welcome in central Wisconsin.  I hadn't said a proper good-bye to Rebecca and I still had a few of her CDs, this being one of the more important.  Whenever I missed Rebecca, whenever I missed drinking coffee until the early hours of the morning, I would listen to this record and laugh, or cry, whatever mood caught me.

During this time she made numerous unsuccessful attempts to get ahold of me, mainly through e-mail, but I ignored them.  Why I brushed them off I'm still not certain I attribute it to fear and more to failure, the fear that she was in love with me and my failure to notice and make it on my own..  Eventually I called her. Eventually we moved in together.  Eventually we started a family.  Eventually I realized she was the one I wanted all along.

Tue, Jun. 28th, 2005 01:03 pm (UTC)

as always, good to see you around again.

it's interesting to know what you've been up this whole time - slowly filling in those puzzle pieces.

post more. i enjoy reading what you write.

Tue, Jun. 28th, 2005 07:06 pm (UTC)

the journal has become more of a collection of stories about my life's past, rarely the present. I try to update as much as I can but most entries get deleted before the post.